President Donald Trump hosted a White House roundtable Wednesday afternoon to address what he described as the nation's most pressing security threat: Americans who are against fascism. The star-studded event featured Attorney General Pam Bondi, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, and several "independent journalists" who appeared to have independently arrived at identical talking points.
Trump and top officials vowed to use the full weight of the federal government to bring down Antifa, comparing it to major gangs and drug cartels—because nothing says "land of the free" quite like treating citizens who oppose authoritarianism like the Sinaloa Cartel.
The roundtable revealed shocking claims that anti-fascist groups have received over $100 million from NGOs including George Soros's Open Society Foundations. When asked why billionaire funding of political movements is only problematic when it's not funding your side, participants stared blankly before pivoting to discuss Portland's apparent descent into "Antifa-led hellfire."
Trump ordered National Guard troops to Portland, Oregon, ostensibly to combat crime and illegal immigration, though witnesses report the troops appear primarily focused on standing menacingly near protesters exercising their First Amendment rights. A federal judge blocked the deployment, but not before the administration demonstrated its commitment to states' rights by completely ignoring Oregon's objections.
Trump directed Rubio to pursue designating Antifa—a loose network of Americans opposed to fascism—as a foreign terrorist organization. The strategy apparently involves declaring domestic citizens foreign through sheer force of will, like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy.
Bondi pledged to dismantle Antifa networks "similar to drug cartels," presumably by deploying military force against American citizens, which definitely doesn't resemble the authoritarian tactics anti-fascists oppose. The circularity was lost on attendees.
During the roundtable, Rubio passed Trump an urgent note about a Middle East peace deal, briefly interrupting the anti-anti-fascism proceedings with actual governing.
At press time, Webster's Dictionary reported receiving cease-and-desist letters demanding they stop defining "fascism" in ways that make the administration uncomfortable.
