Following Sunday's deadly shooting at a Mormon church that left two dead and eight injured, Republican strategists across Michigan are reportedly working around the clock to somehow transform the gunman—identified as 40-year-old white Marine veteran Thomas Jacob Sanford of Burton—into a transgender immigrant who recently crossed the southern border.
The attack occurred during Sunday services at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Grand Blanc Township, where Sanford allegedly crashed his pickup truck through the front doors before opening fire on the congregation. Sanford, an Iraq War veteran and former Marine, was killed in a gunfight with responding officers.
"This is a complete disaster for our messaging," said one anonymous GOP strategist, frantically rifling through Sanford's social media posts for any evidence of pronouns other than he/him. "We've got a white guy, born in Michigan, served his country—how the hell are we supposed to spin this into a border crisis talking point?"
Sources within the Michigan Republican Party confirm that emergency strategy sessions have been convened to explore creative reframing options, including whether Sanford might have secretly identified as Latina during the attack, or if his truck could somehow be classified as having originated from Mexico despite being registered in Burton.
"Maybe we can say he was radicalized by woke ideology?" suggested another strategist, desperately scrolling through Sanford's hunting photos. "I mean, he did attack religious people. That's got to count for something in the culture war narrative, right?"
Local police have not yet released a motive for the shooting, though online records indicate Sanford was a former Marine whose father was reportedly "very proud" of his military service. This patriotic family background has reportedly caused additional headaches for Republican communications teams, who typically reserve their thoughts and prayers for shootings committed by people who don't remind them of their own voter base.
"Look, we're not saying we want to politicize this tragedy," explained Michigan GOP spokesperson Janet Williamson, while simultaneously drafting a press release titled "Liberal Policies Create Environment Where Even Our Own Veterans Turn to Violence." "But if we can't blame this on trans kids using bathrooms or caravans of migrants, what's the point of having a mass shooting at all?"
The party's confusion has been compounded by the fact that the attack targeted a Mormon church, a demographic that typically votes Republican but also practices a religion many evangelical voters view suspiciously. "Are we supposed to defend Mormons now?" asked one county chair. "I thought we were still pretending they're not really Christian."
Meanwhile, Democratic officials have called for common-sense gun reforms once again, a response that Republicans describe as "totally predictable" and "lacking the creative storytelling necessary to make this about Hunter Biden's laptop somehow."
As of press time, the Michigan GOP's best working theory involves claiming that Sanford was actually a deep-cover anti-fascist operative who spent years serving in the military and living as a straight white male just to make Republicans look bad when he eventually committed a mass shooting.
"It's the perfect crime," said one conspiracy-minded county official. "They're playing the long game now."
