Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered nearly 800 of America's most senior military officers to abandon their global posts and report to Marine Corps Base Quantico this Tuesday for what sources describe as a mandatory 45-minute seminar on how to be proper warriors, confirming that the nation's defense is now entrusted to a man who apparently believes four-star generals need remedial instruction in basic toughness.
The former Fox & Friends Weekend co-host will address commanders collectively possessing 12,000 years of combat experience across 47 wars, 238 military academies, and roughly 4,700 Bronze Stars, in what Pentagon insiders describe as "like watching someone explain ice to penguins, except the penguins control nuclear weapons."
Sources confirm the gathering will resemble "a pep rally" where Hegseth will explain the "warrior ethos" to individuals who have literally written the textbooks on warfare that are taught at West Point, apparently unaware that most attendees have forgotten more about military strategy than he learned during his brief stint guarding coffee makers at Guantanamo Bay.
The unprecedented assembly has forced Admiral Jennifer Morrison to abandon her carrier strike group currently engaged in active combat operations to fly 14 hours for a lecture from a man whose most recent battlefield experience was fighting Americans on their rights to free speech and to assemble.
Pentagon sources report Hegseth will spend exactly 43 minutes explaining warfare to people who have collectively overseen the deaths of more enemy combatants than there are protests against the Trump administration, before dismissing them back to their global commands with what one aide described as "homework assignments on being more soldier-y."
The timing coincides with Hegseth's order to fire 20 percent of senior military leadership, leading sources to speculate he's gathering his most experienced officers in one convenient location for mass termination.
The event will also outline the administration's rebranding of the Department of Defense as the "Department of War," because apparently someone decided the military wasn't scary-sounding enough and needed a rebrand worthy of a failed energy drink company.
At press time, Hegseth was reportedly practicing his speech while wearing $847 worth of tactical gear purchased from the same website that sponsors militia YouTube channels, repeatedly asking aides if his new combat boots made him look "more general-ish."
