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House Republican leadership sources confirmed Wednesday they are experiencing what one aide described as "catastrophic psychological meltdown of biblical proportions" over the possibility that Americans might learn what their government knows about convicted sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.
The bipartisan discharge petition, spearheaded by Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) and Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA), sits at 217 signatures—one short of forcing a floor vote to release all federal Epstein files. The prospect has reportedly triggered what medical professionals call "the worst Congressional nervous breakdown in history," with GOP leadership installing industrial air purifiers to combat "toxic accountability particles."
"This is literally the apocalypse," sobbed one senior Republican aide while hyperventilating into a Heritage Foundation paper bag. "Constituents might actually know what we're doing. It's democracy on steroids—absolutely terrifying."
Speaker Mike Johnson has reportedly made 47 phone calls per hour to members, his voice reaching dog-whistle frequencies as he warns that signing could unleash "weapons-grade accountability that could kill us all." Johnson's office released a 47-page emergency statement calling file release "more dangerous than an American protest."
Sources report "top GOP allies"particularly concerned about "the civilization-ending precedent of letting Americans see what the elite gets away with."
Rep. Massie continues pushing for "basic transparency"—apparently unaware such concepts threaten the elite-American way of life. His statement reportedly caused severe meltdowns within the conservative world.
Democrats supporting transparency has allegedly caused Trump unleash his American Taliban (also known as ICE) on Portland this Saturday.
Republican leadership convened emergency meetings, discussed desperate measures including declaring martial law, indicting Obama, and claiming Democrat hoax.
The final signature is expected from Rep. Adelita Grijalva. As of press time, Las Vegas suspended all betting on file release, with one bookmaker explaining, "We can't calculate odds on something this unprecedented—like betting on gravity working backwards."
