House Republicans are allegedly pushing to immortalize conservative provocateur Charlie Kirk on actual U.S. currency. Yes, you read that right: the same crowd that clutches pearls over “woke” cereal mascots now wants a MAGA influencer immortalized in silver like he’s some sort of Founding Father.
Reps. August Pfluger (R-TX) and Abe Hamadeh (R-AZ) told Fox News Digital that they plan to file the bill later this week, a legislative masterstroke clearly designed to solve all of America’s problems — assuming those problems include a tragic lack of right-wing podcaster collectibles. If passed, the U.S. Treasury would be legally obligated to mint 400,000 silver dollar coins with Kirk’s face, because apparently the only thing shinier than this plan is the halo Republicans are trying to Photoshop onto Kirk’s head.
The coins would even bear the words “well done, good and faithful servant,” which sounds less like a national motto and more like a Chick-fil-A employee review. This biblical branding practically guarantees the coins will double as communion tokens at Turning Point USA rallies, where attendees can presumably trade them for gluten-free patriotism or discounted red hats.
And who would decide the final design? None other than former President Donald J. Trump and the sitting Treasury Secretary. Because obviously the man who once hawked $399 “Trump Sneakers” knows a thing or two about high-value commodities. Perhaps Trump will ensure Kirk’s likeness is gold-plated, airbrushed, and suspiciously resembles a mirror selfie taken at Mar-a-Lago.
“This coin will allow us to pass a reminder of his remarkable life on to generations to come,” Hamadeh said, while presumably holding back tears over the tragic lack of conservative influencers on our nation’s money. Pfluger piled on with his own tribute, calling Kirk “a conservative titan whose transformational impact on millions of Americans deserves permanent recognition alongside our nation’s greatest leaders and influential figures.” Because nothing says “greatest leaders” like a 30-something pundit known for calling the execution of former U.S. President Joe Biden and PowerPoint presentations about how gun deaths are necessary.
As if that weren’t enough, Republican lawmakers are also lobbying Speaker Mike Johnson to plant a statue of Kirk right in the U.S. Capitol — because when you can’t balance the budget or pass meaningful legislation, why not commission a giant bronze monument to a guy who built his career shouting at college students?
Critics (translation: anyone outside the Fox News greenroom) have already dubbed the plan “KirkCoins” — a mashup of currency gimmickry and cult-of-personality politics so on the nose it practically snorts itself. Economists warn that 400,000 silver dollars might not tank the economy, but they could tank our collective dignity. Meanwhile, MAGA world is reportedly thrilled at the chance to finally collect something shinier than Trump NFTs.
It’s a moment tailor-made for the GOP’s current vibe: not policy, not governance, but merchandising. Today it’s a Kirk coin. Tomorrow? Maybe “Ben Shapiro Bucks,” “Lauren Boebert Bills,” or a commemorative “Tucker Carlson Treasury Note”.
The bottom line: House Republicans, faced with an economy, climate crises, and a government shutdown looming, have decided the most urgent priority is… commemorative influencer money. It’s a plan so surreal even The Onion might reject it for being too on-the-nose. But in 2025 America, the line between parody and policy doesn’t just blur — it’s minted in silver.
