BALMEDIE, SCOTLAND — While standing shoulder to shoulder with a visibly confused British Prime Minister Keir Starmer, President Donald J. Trump launched into what aides are calling his “most comprehensive defense yet” against accusations related to deceased financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. But for many within the Republican faithful, the biggest betrayal isn’t what Trump may have done — it’s what he hasn't declassified.
During his press appearance in Scotland, Trump took great care to distance himself from Epstein, stating emphatically, “I never went to the island. Not even once. And frankly, if I had gone, people would say it was the most beautiful visit. One of the best they have ever seen. But I never went. Not even a peek.”
Despite the president’s denials, frustrations among Republicans have reached a boiling point. Trump campaigned in 2024 on promises to “release everything” related to Epstein — including a crowd-favorite pledge to “declassify the client list so big, it’ll make your head spin.” Instead, the Trump administration’s Justice Department released an unsigned memo declaring that Epstein committed suicide and that there is no list. MAGA supporters, trained to disbelieve anything in opposition to the president, responded with the unthinkable: skepticism toward Trump himself.
In a surprising twist, White House Communications Director Steven Cheung labeled media coverage of Trump’s ties to Epstein as “fake news,” clarifying that the administration does not dispute Trump’s former relationship with Epstein — just the idea that the relationship was in any way "inappropriate." “Sure, they were friendly in the '80s and '90s,” Cheung explained, “but Epstein crossed the line when he tried to poach Mar-a-Lago’s towel boys. That’s the real scandal.”
Trump himself continues to focus on what he considers the real victim in all of this: Donald Trump.
“They’re obsessed with Epstein. Obsessed!” Trump declared, gesturing wildly as PM Starmer attempted to appear diplomatically inert. “They say I drew a woman on a birthday card. Fake. Totally fake. I don’t draw women. I don’t even see women that way. Melania says it’s anatomically incorrect, and frankly, that proves I didn’t do it.”
Pressed by reporters about the persistent calls from MAGA loyalists to release more evidence, Trump pivoted. “If there was something bad, Obama would’ve released it. Believe me. He would’ve dropped that list faster than a drone strike on a wedding.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy influencers online are struggling to reconcile Trump’s continued refusal to release Epstein files with their long-held belief that he’s the one man standing between America and total moral collapse. Popular TruthSocial user @WWG1Waifu posted, “At this point, if Trump is the deep state, I don’t even care anymore. Just arrest somebody.”
Still, the president remains hopeful that the base’s loyalty will endure through this “hoax.” As he boarded Marine One from his Scottish golf resort, Trump reminded reporters, “They said I was friends with Epstein. But if I was, wouldn’t I be on the list? And if I’m not on the list, doesn’t that mean there is a list? Think about it.”
As of press time, MAGA supporters were reportedly circulating a new theory that the list does exist — but can only be released once Trump is re-elected and the Constitution is suspended under emergency executive authority. For now, they remain undeterred, rallying behind the slogan: “Release the List — or Reclassify Pedophilia as an Act of Patriotism.”
